Another day....

Another day has gone by. I went and got a massage this morning. I was going to get adjusted too but looked out the window and saw Wes trying to comfort our screaming child..who wanted nobody but mommy at that moment. So I had to force myself to relax for the last 15 min of my massage. Star the massage therapist is great. I can not talk enough about how much she has helped me feel better physically. We then went to the new farmers market in Elkhart but it was just too crowded so we did not stay long. Got some good Olive oil and cheese though. Got Owen a bib that says spoiled rotten..hahah..lots of truth to that. I am still carrying him around everywhere..he loves doing things with me. We take walks. My neighbor is on vacation and she has a little fish pond in her yard with a fountain in it..we go over there and look at that together. He really loves to look at things now. Wes is playing music for him right now. It seriously is so adorable. Owen is really sucking on his fingers and trying to eat everything in sight not to mention the drool...makes me wonder if he is gonna get a tooth. He is so BIG. There was a girl at the farmers market with a five month old that was half Owen's size. Oh and Owen is pulling hair now and SCREAMING its so funny. He will get mad at me and just scream really loud instead of cry now. I am seriously so mesmerized by Owen's cuteness.

As for me I have felt a little anxious the past few days. I did go and talk to a counselor on Thursday and going back on Tuesday. She is really really nice. It is nice to talk to someone who you do not know. Its also good to talk to someone you do know..but someone you do not know has no clue as to who you are and they are sizing you up. She said it sounds like I have me stuff together..we just need to talk a little about anxiety and coping methods. Luckily work has been so great about this and the counseling is free through them. I was telling her about Tara and how sweet Tara has been through this and how much we hang out. She said it is nice to have someone on your side..and it really is..so thanks TARA for being on my side through this and helping me out so much with Owen. I have had an insatiable appetite lately so I think I am gaining weight. I have to start swimming again. It really does help. But every time I leave Owen with Wes he has a fit (Owen has a fit). I think he just wants to eat and wants me. Normally Owen is a dream with Wes. Maybe somehow Owen just knows I am doing something for myself and he doesn't like it..lol!!! I started to weed this evening in my little garden out back. It killed my legs..but honestly it made me feel really good, like I was able to accomplish something. It's not fully weeded but a little and its nice.

I think we are going to take a drive when it gets dark to see if there are any fireworks. Maybe drive down by the Elkhart River since we live pretty darn close to it. Well Wes wants me to get off here and what surprise Owen is having a FIT..lol..we going to take the dog for a walk cuz she is freaking out over the loud fireworks that are going off. She was so scared she jumped in the stroller...lol. Will post that picture once I get the baby to stop crying..

Mommy and Me

Watch out Dad here I come!!

We went to Signal Learning, Wes' old job, to show Owen off and he discovered the keyboard. Looks like we may have a computer buff in training on our hands.

Owen in his boncy toy

I put Owen in his bouncy toy and he loves it. I have to put a pillow under him so he can bounce himself, but he just goes nuts in it. It is so cute.

Owen and Daddy

Woke up this morning and before Wes went to work he looked at Owen and said something to him. Owen squealed with delight. It was so cute. Then later after Owen's bath Wes was playing guitar and singing to Owen. It was so adorable. Owen was kicking around and smiling and cooing along with the music. As seen above in the pictures.

You are my "Son" Shine

Owen is so cute. Last weekend we were at Tara and Darins house eating and it was getting late and Owen was ready for bed. I began to nurse him and he nursed a little and then looked up at me and started to bat his eyelids along with cooing so sweet and softly at me. It was true love in his eyes. He was also rubbing my hand really gentle with his little hand. This went on for about 15 min until he fell asleep. It was too cute. Its great knowing you are the first women that your son will ever love. It will be hard to one day accept that he loves another woman as much as me but it will also be wonderful to have someone new be part of the family. I look forward to seeing Owen grow and fall in love one day. I already love my to be daughter in law and it will more than likely be years and years before I get to meet her. But she is already in my thoughts and prayers.

PICTURES OF JAZZ FESTIVAL 2007

JAZZ FESTIVAL PICURES 2007

The Picture People's photos of Owen..3 Months.

A boy and his dog

Pictures of my CR-V

We had to get a new car..mine was just too small. I miss it though. But Karen bought it so I will get to see it..lol..

Picutres of my house

Focus on the positive

Well I decided that I am going to focus on the positive and not the negative. I have just discovered all the comments left to me by my good friends Heather and Tara and I first want to thank God for having such good friends to support me and encourage me and next I want to thank them for the support and encouragement. I am spending this month getting myself back together. I still am experiencing some of the physical symptoms of the anxiety..like my eyes are wacky and my back hurts and I tingle BUT it is getting better and that is what matters. The medication seems to be working but it seems to be making Owen gassier then ever..so I may talk to them about that at my month visit, maybe there is something else that would not have that side effect on him. I know he doesn't get much of it but what he is getting is causing him to keep me up all night farting...lol...which by the way he finds very funny now because I tell him how wonderful it is!!! More positives in my life..my mom and mother in law have been wonderful in helping me out. Wes is a dream..except when I make him get up with Owen in the middle of the night (LOL). My friend Stacy has been keeping close tabs on me. And soon I am going to start therapy with Kathy Blum here in Elkhart. I only get six free session (courtesy of work) but maybe that is all I will need. I have a beautiful house, car and dog. I have another great friend Karen who is going to go to school to become a chiropractor..AWESOME!!! Free adjustments when I go to visit her (which I feel so bad for letting her down, we were suppose to go see her last weekend but I was not able to), But Karen if you read this we will come see you before summer is over. I am going to start going to church and I am highly considering taking Heather up on her offer to go to her church..it sounds fun and it is always nice to know someone. We are going to start going July 1st with Tara and Darin..I am also thankful that I have a job that has been so understanding with me and that I only work a normal four days a week..(more than likely not that many when I first go back again). I am thankful for the cup of coffee that I am drinking this morning and being able to type this because Owen is sleeping in the bed with his daddy right now. I am honestly thankful for the boob..cuz it is so nice to be able to feed my kid anywhere at anytime..LOL!!! I am thankful for Star my deep tissue massage therapist at Preventative Medicine in Mishawaka IN, she is tougher than nails but is helping me relax. I am thankful for Moe my chiropractor for about 10 years now..and his advise to me yesterday to CALM DOWN and tell myself that my mind is playing tricks on me and to realize it and not allow it to happen..plus he gave me a number to go do some TIA CHI..I am thankful for all my family and friends. I love life and I never knew something could get me down like this did. I do not want to allow this negative in my life..that is what Satan wants and I refuse to give in to him. When a negative thought comes to mind I am going to replace it with something that I mentioned here. I am going to speak out loud right now to the universe that I will prevail and I will not succumb to this negative energy that has taken over me..it is not healthy for me or my beautiful son. I must remember that MOMMIEHOOD ROCKS!!!!!

Now Owen is being so cute. He squeals now really loud...he pouts and whines and he gives me great big kisses. We are going to take him to get his three month pictures today. I can not wait. We are taking him to the Jazz Festive on Sunday. I think he will like it a lot. Wes plays the guitar for him everyday...so he likes music a lot. He loves it when I sing to him..it cracks him up. Another cute thing he does his prop his little leg up on things. If he is in the swing he will prop his leg up on the middle nob thing..or when I am feeding him he will use my legs to prop up his legs it is so funny.

Well that is all for now..will write more about the pictures..it should be fun..

Owen in his baseball outfit

Owen Three months old 06/22/2007

Owen on his farm chair

My big beautiful Baby

I never thought it would happen to me

My back and neck are starting to feel somewhat better with the massages. My mood is up and down. I swear I never thought it would happen to me. I just knew that it would not..how could I get postpartum depression? I am pretty happy most of the time and when I am not it normally only last for a few minutes and I get over it. This is going to be a journey..and I am looking for the positive in this. Hopefully it will not take me too long to get back to myself. I did get some sleep last night. Only got up twice. That was nice..I actually dreamed..It was a bad dream but a dream non the less. It is amazing how tight my neck and back muscles are along with my jaw..that is why I get a lump feeling in my throat. Who knew there would be so many physical symptoms to Postpartum.

I may be doing horrid but Owen is doing great. We went to Tara's today to pay her for last weeks babysitting and Maddi came over to Owen and he smiled at her. It was so cute. I have to say that Tara and Darin are our best friends. I feel that we have grown really close to them these past few years. I love them and their three beautiful kids. Thank God for giving us such wonderful people in our lives.

Tomorrow I am going to go to church. I am a little nervous about it. But excited too.

Well gotta change the baby..lol

Off another Month

I called the midwives to verify the medication that I am taking is ok for Owen when I am breast feeding. They told me they wanted to see me in there office. So I went in Thursday feeling tense and stressed. They had me fill out a questioniare about how I was feeling. Then Kristin came in and told me that there is no way I was to return to work for at least a month. She was very concerned about my stability right now. She wrote a note and set up an appointment for me to go and see her in a month. She said that once I return to work I need to do it slowly..to help myself ease back into it. She also said that the medication may not start to work for about a month.

I was so nervous to talk to Steve and Sue (my managers at work) about it. But they were both wonderful and very supportive. Sue also said that I should slowly work my self back into work and not just jump right back in. I think that would be a good idea. I love to work. It makes me feel a little worse that I am having these problems and that I cant handle it all right now. I have always been one to handle things pretty well..at least well enough not to get myself sick over it. I tell you what...I have a lot more compassion for people now. Maybe this is a lesson from above to teach me that I need to be more compassionate towards others needs. Especially since everyone has been so kind to me.

Owen is doing great through all of this. He is a little trooper. The midwife also told me that I need to exercise three times a week for 45 min. So Tara and I are going to start walking to Oxbow from her house and then around Oxbow with the kids. I think that will help a lot. Plus I think I should start swimming now that Wes is going to be working on days and he can watch the little guy for me.

I love having Owen more than anything in the world and he is more than worth everything that is happening to me..but boy what a surprise all this is. I did not know it would be so hard on me. Luckily, I am blessed with a working husband that is confused about all this but supportive too. It would be so hard to be a single mom and not be able to get yourself right. Yeah money may be a little tight for now, but we will make it through.

I think this weekend I am going to start going to church too, with Owen. I think I am lacking serious spirituality in my life and having that faith really can help your mood.

Well better get the baby..

Crandall and Owen

Pictures