The symptoms are real

The symptoms are real. I am not loosing it!!! I have been diagnosed with anxiety/panic disorder. It all started after Owen was born and gradually got worse. It started with my eyes doing strange things..and now that I have had to return to work I got sore and ache all over my back and shoulders, I feel tingles all over and I have mood swings. I feel like there is a lump in my throat that will not go away.

I went to the Doctor and she put me on some meds. I am considering the right time to start taking them. I am thinking this weekend. They may cause drowsiness so I don't want to start them at work. I don't want to start them at night because Owen is feeding more at night now and I need to be able to wake up and feed him..more stress. I have been going to get massages and that is helping my back pain a little and just found out at work that I can get six free counseling sessions..so might as well..see where all this is coming from.

I hate dropping him off..I feel like I am leaving him behind but picking him up has become a new challenge lately too. It almost feels like he enjoys being with Tara and her kids more than me. I take him away and he screams all the way home..and I mean SCREAMS!!!!! Then when he gets home he sleeps..I feel like I am not getting to spend any real time with him, even getting off early.

I explained my situation at work and they are being very understanding. I also put in for a transfer to the Elkhart office. I hope I get it. I think it would help my anxiety to be closer to home and be able to pick him up at an earlier time...

Its nice to know that I actually have a real problem and its not all in my head. I really was beginning to think that I was NUTS!!! I wish the knowledge of it all would make it better but it doesn't. I hope the medication will help..it should. I talked to the pharmacist and she said she had the same problem and takes the med that was prescribed to me and she loves it. I really do not want to LOVE it but it would be nice to stop feeling this way.

Well better try and get some sleep..part of my problem is sleep deprivation..oye vey..

I am a mess

Well I return to work on Monday and I am a ball of nerves and a huge mess!! Since I have been thinking about going back (for about two weeks now) I have been crying, my neck and back hurt, my allergies are worse than ever, I have a lump in my throat, my eyes feel like there going to pop out of my head, I am seeing spots and now I think I have IBS (Irritable Bowl Syndrome). Seriously it is horrid. I started to go to Preventative Medicine cuz they offer massage and chiropractic care. I went today. I feel a little better but already popped my neck back out of place. I have a horrid headache..

I think Owen senses my stress. He has had colic again lately and is hating going to the bathroom. He wakes me up about five or six times a night fussing with gas. I know I should try and relax for his sake but it is so hard knowing that I am leaving him in someone else's care..someone I trust fully and unconditionally but it is not me. I am going to miss a full eight hours of his life every day and that KILLS me..see I am crying now just talking about it.

Thank God I have Wes he has been helping me cope. I know it stresses him out too to see me like this. I was so happy and healthy for nine months with Owen and now It is all catching up to me..I AM A TRAIN WRECK!! I am hoping once I get back into the swing of things at work my life will get easier. I know that working is the best thing for us for now. We need the money to pay the bills and we need the money to provide a great life for Owen. So I know it is the better thing to do. I just know he is going to miss me so much too. He loves me so much. Its so sweet to see his great BIG smile when I walk in the room or he looks up at me. I adore my child more than anything. I never knew that I could create such a beautiful, wonderful person. I never knew I would be so in love with this beautiful person Wes and I made. My heart no longer belongs to me but he has it.

I will try to keep a positive attitude and focus at work so the day will go by as quickly as possible and learn how to relax again. I know it will all happen again soon, and maybe I will miss this hectic time in my life when it does slow down and start to come together again..ok I dont think I will miss feeling like this. I am looking forward to being myself again..but not looking forward to leaving Owen every day.

Anyways, will write more later.

My sweet boy

Owen was a dream come true yesterday. I had him all day by myself cuz Wes was at work and we played together and he laughed at everything..he is so cute. I cant believe how much fun he is getting. I hope today goes as well. We are going to a wedding on Saturday and Friday to Wes' moms new house to see it and help them move. We are also going to go look at a car on Friday morning and hopefully get it. We need a small SUV type vehicle for the space. That way the entire family can fit in the car.

Owen played really well yesterday on his tummy time mat. He played on his tummy and back. He actually was smiling up at it..it was too adorable.

I wish my eyes and back would get better. I am sure they will. I just need some serious rest...sure I wont get that anytime soon..lol!!!

I need to stop spending money for a while and get some of our credit cards paid off. It should not take to long to do it but I want them all paid off by Christmas..so that way we can charge them up again..ha ha..not really I have a Christmas Club savings account and we already got Owen a ton of presents for Christmas..he really doesn't need any more from us..

Can not wait to see what new adventures my little guy brings me today....

Sasha taking control over the TV 05/29/2007

Tummy Time 05/29/2007

Grandma and Grandpa Hoogenbooms 05/28/2007

Pictures from Sara's 05/27/2007

First picture is a frog kingdom that all the kids made
Second Picture is of the camp fire
Third picture is Sara, Chris and Ernie
Last picture is Wes