Saturday, June 9, 2007

I am a mess

Well I return to work on Monday and I am a ball of nerves and a huge mess!! Since I have been thinking about going back (for about two weeks now) I have been crying, my neck and back hurt, my allergies are worse than ever, I have a lump in my throat, my eyes feel like there going to pop out of my head, I am seeing spots and now I think I have IBS (Irritable Bowl Syndrome). Seriously it is horrid. I started to go to Preventative Medicine cuz they offer massage and chiropractic care. I went today. I feel a little better but already popped my neck back out of place. I have a horrid headache..

I think Owen senses my stress. He has had colic again lately and is hating going to the bathroom. He wakes me up about five or six times a night fussing with gas. I know I should try and relax for his sake but it is so hard knowing that I am leaving him in someone else's care..someone I trust fully and unconditionally but it is not me. I am going to miss a full eight hours of his life every day and that KILLS me..see I am crying now just talking about it.

Thank God I have Wes he has been helping me cope. I know it stresses him out too to see me like this. I was so happy and healthy for nine months with Owen and now It is all catching up to me..I AM A TRAIN WRECK!! I am hoping once I get back into the swing of things at work my life will get easier. I know that working is the best thing for us for now. We need the money to pay the bills and we need the money to provide a great life for Owen. So I know it is the better thing to do. I just know he is going to miss me so much too. He loves me so much. Its so sweet to see his great BIG smile when I walk in the room or he looks up at me. I adore my child more than anything. I never knew that I could create such a beautiful, wonderful person. I never knew I would be so in love with this beautiful person Wes and I made. My heart no longer belongs to me but he has it.

I will try to keep a positive attitude and focus at work so the day will go by as quickly as possible and learn how to relax again. I know it will all happen again soon, and maybe I will miss this hectic time in my life when it does slow down and start to come together again..ok I dont think I will miss feeling like this. I am looking forward to being myself again..but not looking forward to leaving Owen every day.

Anyways, will write more later.

1 comment:

Heather Everingham said...

Oh Julie I know exactly what you are going through. When I had to go back to work after my first it was horrible even though my Mom was watching him it was still bad, but I will say that once we got into a routine it got a little better, and maybe once you've had some time to get back on track you will find a career that better suits you to be able to spend more time with Owen. I quit after Nate and I got married when Parker was 9 mos old and thought I would try babysitting, then selling Partylite. It ended up that Nate and I just gave up a few things like cell phone, cable, we traded in our 2 cars for 1, and so on so that it was possible for me to be at home. I know not everyone can do that, but its worth looking into, or even finding something part time where you can work when Wes is home so you don't have childcare cost. Nate and I actually figured out once my Mom wanted to quit watching Parker for free that my paycheck would only be about $20 a week after chilcare cost so it was silly to pay someone else when I could just stay home. Anyhow good luck you will make it just take it one day at a time!